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LONDON (The Borowitz Report)

In an unexpected televised address on Saturday, Queen Elizabeth II offered to restore British rule over the United States of America.

Addressing the American people from her office in Buckingham Palace, Her Majesty said that she was making the offer “in recognition of the desperate situation you now find yourselves in”.

“This two-hundred-and-forty-year experiment in self-rule began with the best of intentions, but I think we can all agree that it didn’t end well,” she said.

The Queen acknowledged that, in the wake of Brexit, Americans might justifiably be alarmed about being governed by the British parliamentary system, but she reassured them, “Parliament would play no role in this deal. This would be an old-school monarchy. Just me, and then, assuming you’d rather not have The Prince of Wales, we could go straight to The Duke of Cambridge and Prince George.”

Using the closing moments of her speech to tout her credentials, Her Majesty made it clear that she has never used e-mail or twitter and does not fire people just for disagreeing with her.

Thanks Andy Borowitz @ The New Yorker

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